I can't take it anymore!

My head is so full of terrible thoughts.

No no no, I'm not going to kill myself or SI. I'm talking more on an ED level.

For months I've been trying to convince myself to recover, and I did so well for quite a few months. But now after coming back from Florida Ive hit my panic point again and I'm practically diving back down the rabbit hole.

The stupid thing is I KNOW. I know I shouldn't be doing any of this crap. It took so much willpower tonight for me not to take a handful of laxatives! So annoying!

I'm going back to taking all of my vitamins and supplements. I've worked out my own meal plan that I'm not even comfortable with but it's better than what I would normally limit myself to. Just under 500 calories a day...if I eat everything on there.

I just can't stand being this size. I need to get back to my lowest weight.

YES, I know it's wrong. YES, I know it's unhealthy. YES, I know there are consequences.

But right now the consequences don't seem half as bad as being fat...