Back from Holiday

I guess it feels good to be back. I'm not positive though. I absolutely LOVE Florida. I love Chicago too, but I know in a few months I will hate it once again.

Holiday was great, I got some sun and was able to see family, but it was also very triggering. I got very uncomfortable very fast. The first two weeks I was there I hardly ate anything and lost over 12lbs. Then after that when I did eat much I ended up purging out of guilt, but the last week I had to eat and was rarely able to purge because it was just my dad and I and I knew he was already suspicious.

The worst part is that I didn't even want to purge!! I would eat something and be okay, but then the feelings would set in afterwards and sometimes I just didn't have the energy to control myself.

I also noticed some disturbing behaviors that I haven't had in probably 12 years. I was hoarding food! I didn't even realize it until my last week there when I was getting my stuff put together. I had a dresser drawer stuffed with crackers, granola bars, different cereals in zip lock baggies, cereal bars, even two jars of nuts! What the hell?! It was so unbelievably embarrassing. I had to wait until my dad went to work the day before I left so I could pitch everything into the garbage outside and hide it under the rest. Absolutely ridiculous. I haven't done that since I was young and was going through a lot of abuse. (The hoarding started when I was about 7.)

Needless to say it freaked me out.

Now I'm at home. Doing okay I suppose. Very uncomfortable with myself. I have the horrid urge that I need to stop eating altogether again, double up on my Adderall and bear the consequences. But I'm trying to be strong and be as healthy as possible. If I can just find a balance I'll be fine.

I wish I could be strong enough and trusting enough to follow my meal plan. I just can't. It scares me too much and I don't believe a word they say when they tell me it won't make me gain weight.

I want to jump out of my skin. I want to run. I want to do anything but sit here. But I can't. I'm stuck. My foot is broken so I can't exercise. All I can do is restrict.

And my fighting days feel like they're done. Energy is gone. I just want to give in...