Depressed

The past 2 days have been so long. I'm slipping and I know it *sigh* Doing stupid things again.

I had a big fight with my mom yesterday and spent the evening crying in bed. I haven't been this low in a very long time. I've been off my antidepressant for several months now but I think I might need to start taking it again. UGH. Last night I really had to fight with myself not to cut. I haven't even had an urge to cut in many months. I'm 8 1/2 months SI free and I really really don't want to go that route again.

I just feel like I'm sinking and I can't stay afloat. It's not that I don't want to, because I do. I hate being depressed and anxious. But ED wise....not so much. For so long I was concerned about my health so much and I wanted to get better so bad that I stopped almost all of my behaviors.

In April I was extremely stressed out with an advanced course in critical care medicine and I started into this spiral. The first week I hardly ate if I ate anything at all. I lost 12lbs and was happy. But the second week I felt terrible and so weak that I had to eat to stay awake in class and not pass out when I stood up. I got so uncomfortable with eating that I would purge at least twice a day. My classmates, especially the one I work with noticed I was never eating, just having coffee all the time. And my partner from work knows about my ED. He doesn't know about the purging. So I ate and just purged afterwards at lunch time. I would eat on my commute there and purge in the bathroom, making sure I was there early enough that nobody would hear. And if I ate dinner or anything after class I'd purge again.

Once I was out of class I stopped purging. That heavy burden of class was off of me. But it wasn't long before it started again. But it was only once or twice a week, then gradually not at all.

When I went on holiday it was pretty much the same scenario, well similar anyway. The first week there I hardly ate at all if anything and lost 12lbs-again. The second week if I ate a lot I purged, but I was also hoarding food (which I had to toss in the garbage before I left).

I haven't purged since I got back from holiday. I really haven't been tempted either. Although I have thought about it. I don't have the urge to binge at all. I've just become extremely fearful of food.

It's odd how once you go through these cycles so many times you know exactly what to expect. And I know what is coming. I've started with rituals again.

I stick rigidly to taking my vitamins and supplements and my prescribed medications.

I try not to eat all day and then I eat something before bed so I can sleep without waking from hunger pains.

I count every single calorie that goes near my mouth and contemplate what I'm going to eat for hours on end. (Currently I've been sitting on whether to eat an egg white and veggies for 9 hours).

I compulsively clean everything in my house.

I bake things every day, just so I can be around food. Then I give it away to my neighbors and to my mom to take to work. Part of it is the obsession with food and part of it is to test myself and prove that I can have it in the house and not eat it.

I weigh myself after everything I do, whether it's going to the bathroom, taking my vitamins or taking a shower. I do it probably 10 times a day-minimum.

It's so frustrating that I'm getting to this point again. The worst thing I did today was take milk of magnesia. I haven't taken any form of laxative probably since about February. Let's just say I had too much of it *sigh* It doesn't give me cramps or anything, but it also doesn't give me any warning when it starts working. Enough said. Totally sucks.

So where do I go from here? Well according to my past, it's just downhill. Yes, yes I know it's my choice and in my hands to change what I do. But I literally CAN'T. I don't think people really understand that.

At this point, this is what usually happens. I restrict to the point that I start blacking out. This happened when I was on holiday and in class. But I'm able to catch myself and sit down before I completely pass out. This will gradually get worse. In time I will start passing out. I will have a bout of purging in the next few weeks once my body gets completely fed up with my actions. I will start getting terrible muscle cramps and twitches from not having enough potassium in my diet, which will cause me to feel weak, exhausted, depressed, anxious and dizzy. My blood sugar will get low every day, but at least since I know how I feel when it does I will be able to fix it before I pass out. I will start to obsess even more about everything. I will get cranky and hard to be around. I will isolate myself (which isn't hard to do since I can't drive or go out anyway). I will lose weight and if I don't end up in a b/p cycle I will lose it fast. I will likely get myself into trouble with either A) my heart or B) my kidneys, and end up in the hospital.

It sucks that I can see this all played out but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I wish I was strong enough to resist the urges and just be normal.

I wish I was able to eat a "normal" meal without freaking out and crying and then purging. I wish I didn't feel obligated to count calories and fats and carbs. I'm sick of being paranoid.

I wish my brain would work in a way that I could see recovery as a possibility. But right now it feels as far away as the moon. Such a huge part of me doesn't want it. It's like the only part of me that does want it isn't even for me. It's for my family and friends. I don't want to worry people. Most of all I don't want to disappoint them.

One of my best friends and previous coworkers, who is also like a 2nd dad to me, I've known for 5 1/2 years. He's seen me through everything, from where I was at before my ED was noticeable, to my days in and out of IP and therapy and psych from cutting. I feel terrible because when I see him now he always tells me how proud of me he is for being strong and overcoming so much. I feel like a horrible person and the guilt is unbearable. I feel like a fake and a liar. I really do need to come clean to him about how I'm really doing right now because I can't take how I feel.

I'm such a disappointment!!! I've always been a disappointment to myself with everything I do. It's never good enough. I was a disappointment to everyone when my ED was so terrible. And now I'm a disappointment because I'm falling back into it.

It sucks that when I'm deep in my ED I don't feel as big of a disappointment to myself, so I feel better. But then it makes other people unhappy.

I can't stand it when people tell me how good I look "now." What exactly does that mean? That I was ugly and looked really bad before? When they say I look healthy and have a glow about me, is that just a nice way of telling me I'm fat again?

All of this crap runs through my mind constantly like the stupid infomercials on TV that are on repeat.

I just want to go back to work. I want to be able to drive. I want to be able to work out. To go back to school. I know it's going to happen, just 2 more months?! I'm pretty sure I'll be insane by then.....At least when my life is super crazy I don't have the time to fret as much as I do now. I had other people to think about and had to stay on somewhat of an even keel health wise for work. Now what reason do I have? None. I don't have one...

Until everything is back in order in my life, I'm a prisoner. And by then it might be too late to escape all of this....